Bar and diamond

A woman calls her husband angry:
- Where are you?
- My dear, do you remember that the jewelry store where you saw that big diamond ring? You told me that you love it and I told myself that someday I'll buy you ...
Woman with a soft voice:
- Offf ... My dear, yes! .... I remember.
- E, ...... I am in the bar next!

Compatibility of characters

In a process of divorce, the judge asks the applicant:
- Madam, you are sure of what you ask? You want to divorce for Compatibility of characters? Could not be otherwise?
She answers:
- No, your honor! It is for compatibility: I like movies, as my husband! I like going to the beach, and his asemeneal! I like going to the theater, he just! I like men, and by the way!

Discussed with employees about difficult times

The director of a company discussed with employees about difficult times:
- I see you all complain about the financial crisis, that worsened living conditions because of the economic situation that you feel rewarded the effort so far ... but I do not know if you know, but this year's salary that you receive is more high as 25%!
A worker in the room:
- Excuse me, bigger than the salary in which year??
- Than in the coming year ...

A perfect woman

My dear, I looked like a perfect woman?
- No, love! You're much more!
- And how much more?
- With about 50 kg ...

The wife asks the husband:

The wife asks the husband:
- Have you seen the type that saved me when I drown?
- It passed on to me to present apologies.

The boss tells employee:

The boss tells employee:
- You do everything so slowly! Think slowly, slowly write, speak softly, move slowly!
 -You do anything fast?
- Yes, get tired quickly!

Woody Allen's humor ...

I have some wonderful children. Thank God that  my wife cheated  me

Until the wedding night, my wife was afraid of the dark. After that he saw me naked and then fear and light ...

My wife is the cook unfinished. We always say prayer after dinner ...

Once someone stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw looked somewhat like thieves. I replied that no, but noted the number plate ...

One day, I called my wife and I said: My dear, I think of you and suddenly hit me insane lust for love. To which she asked: But who's the phone?

I told my dentist that my teeth were yellowed. His advice was to go with a tie and brown ...

Today is one day absolutely negative. I awoke in the morning, I took the shirt and i broke two buttons. We seized briefcase - and they handle broke. Now I am afraid to walk down the toilet ...

I told my psychiatrist that are sad, because I hate myself all over the world. He said do not be ridiculous, because you do not yet met with everyone ...

When I was a kid my parents moved often from one house to another, but I found myself every time ...

My wife and me I lived happily for 20 years. Then we met each other ...


In bed: It's 7 am, close your eyes for 5 minutes and is 8:45.

At work: It's 1:30, close your eyes for 5 minutes and is 1:31.

The general goes to visit a field hospital

The general goes to visit a field hospital:
- What kind of disease you suffer. young man?
- Hemorrhoids, sir!
- You know the treatment?
- Brush with methylene blue, sir!
- Do you have any desire?
- Food is a little ...
- Write sergeant: double portion and filling!
In another bed:
- What kind of disease you suffer. young man?
- Hemorrhoids, sir!
- You know the treatment?
- Brush with methylene blue, sir!
- Do you have any desire?
- I miss home.
- Write sergeant: two weeks holiday in the country!
And so are still some few patients suffering from hemorrhoids. In a corner stood a puny salon, woe to his mother:
- What kind of disease you suffer. young man?
- Tonsillitis, sir!
- You know the treatment?
- Brush with methylene blue, sir!
- Do you have any desire?
- Let us give a brush that we have only one ...

The boy came to ask girls hand ...

- I came to ask your daughter's hand!
- On the sea or the small?
- What, does not have all hands the same?

How worth a woman?

In a brief conversation, a man asks a woman:
- What kind of man you seek?
She remained silent a moment, looked in her eyes and said:
- You want to know really?
He re: Yes!
Then began to say:
- Being a woman is in a position to ask the man what I can do for me. Pay bills, take care of the house, go to the supermarket, shopping and all without a man. I ask the question: - What can you bring into my life?
The man left on. Thought for sure it's money.
She, knowing what he thinks, said:
- I do not mean money. I need more. I need a man to fight for perfection in all aspects of life.
He crossed his arms, sat in on a chair and asked him to explain in more detail.
She said:
- Looking for someone to fight for perfection mentally because I need someone to converse and to stimulate me intellectually speaking. I did not need someone mentally simple. I need someone sensitive enough to understand by what I pass as a woman, but strong enough to encourage me and not let me fall. I'm looking for someone to respect it may be "obedient". I hate it with someone who can solve their own problems. I am looking for a man who can help himself to help each other. When you finish looking at him and see him very confused and asked.
He said:
- You are asking a lot.
She answered:
- Values ​​much. ♥

Difference between men and women

What is the difference between men and women? The man hears with one ear, and on the other ear go out everything, she hears with both ears, and everything comes out your mouth ....

A a thief is interrogated at the police:

A a thief is interrogated at the police:
-Tell what you did, sir!
-Well, I stole a tank of wine ... and ... I drank a half ..
-And the other half what you did?
-Well, I sold it! ..
-And what you did with the money?
-I took to drink!

Crossing a street, a farmer is struck by a car

Crossing a street, a farmer is struck by a car, but nothing happens. However, the driver puts a few coins in his hand to reconcile things.
Very happy peasant tells the driver:
- Pass through our village often?

With Gogu from boilers, please

- Hello?
- Yes!
- International Institute of astrophysics, nuclear spectroscopy, intergalactic exploration, study quasars and toroidal structure determination of cyclic universes?
- Yes we are!
- With Gogu from boilers, please.

A clergyman, very faithful, scared to death ...

A clergyman, very faithful, scared to death ... ...
Passing time reach old age when every minute of every man awaits death ... Stood still and prayed to escape such an event ... when, suddenly hear a knock at door .... He is thinking: "Okay ... came death ..."
The door opened when he saw a small dead ... small ... and a scythe and smaller ... the man exclaimed: "But I asked you not to come ....."
At the death (mica. ..) I said: Shut up and let me alone, ..... I came to take your hamster!

A drunk guy ordering the waiter to serve three coffees.

A drunk guy ordering the waiter to serve three coffees.
- Three coffee?
- Yes, one for me, one for you and one for your mother.
The next day the same drunk guy asks the same waiter:
- Three coffee ...
- Three?
- Yes ... three ... one for me, one for you and one for your mother. The waiter could not refrain, jumped over the table and beating on drunk bundles. A day later, full of bruised, he get to back in bar. The waiter asks ironically:
- Three coffee ...
- No answer swipe, only two: one for me and one for your mother. For you not, as you fret.

A drunk in a bar, command:

A drunk in a bar, command:

- Barman, two glasses of vodka;
After 10 minutes betivu:
- Barman two glasses of vodka;
- Yes, why not order a glass at a time;
- I have a friend who went to Iraq and asked me to drink every time a glass for him;
- Then you understand perfectly, 'says the bartender.
After a month, the drunk get again in the bar
Bartender, a vodka please;
- Oh do not tell me that your friend died.
- Not dead, just as I was left to drink!

Brad and Leo want to quit drinking

Brad and Leo want to quit drinking and do not know how to do. Brad says:
-I know how we give up drink. Be careful, we have a bottle of wine ... you hide it back and I have to guess in which hand is. If you guess, and we drink it, if not ... we leave, not to!
Said and done. Leo hide the bottle.
- Ready. Are you ready? Tell me!
- Well ... it's the left.
-Come on ... look before you leap ...

The contradictions of communism

The contradictions of communism:
Although communism is working inefficiently, however, work is going very well.
Although the work is going very well, however not find anything in stores.
Although not find anything in stores, though man has everything he wants at home.
Although the man is at home all he wants, yet he is unhappy.
Although the man is unhappy, though he applauds.

The husband looks closely...

The husband looks closely at his wife and says:
- Your new dress is too daring. It sees everything through it.
- So what? A virtuous woman has nothing to hide ...

A former cop fishing

A policeman passed in reserve, which was bored, decided to deal with fishing. He bought books, fishing rods, he got the bait and went to the pool. After 4 hours of waiting, he manages to catch a small fish. Furious, the policeman, out Fish hooks, grabbed his mane and begins to draw hands:
- Tell me, where are the others! Tell me where are the others ...

King and servant

King and servant are hunting on the castle. Servant (looking through binoculars towards the castle):
- Sir, I think we should inform you that she is in company of a gentleman.
- No, you're wrong. Lady told me that receives a visiting friend. Give me binocular.
He looked to the castle, then tells her servant
- This is not sufficiently powerful binoculars. Give me the sniper rifle.


Husband comes home and asks his wife:
- What would you do if I win the Lotto?
- I'd take half and leave you, meet his wife.
- Perfect, says her husband. I won $12.00 Take $6.00 and disappear!

In restaurant...

A man sitting in a hotel bar and sees a cool girl at another table. Call the waiter and tells him to invite him to dinner. The waiter returns:
- Miss said he could not come because he has his prosthetic legs and creaking, but you may want to go to her table!
The man go, talk and finally invites her in his hotel room. Female refused because his hearing creaking, and invites him in the bushes. They go in the bushes, and start to f**k.
Two drunks later:
- Look, boys! That's more drunk than we: f**k a wheelbarrow!

Customer to waiter:...

Customer to waiter:
- I do not like surprises, so I say now: I have only $10. What do you recommend?
- Another restaurant.

Man and woman

It's called a lucky man who earns more than his wife can spend. It's called a lucky woman who finds such a man.

The dog which does not bark

A guy knocks at the door of a house. A dog stands on two feet and says:
- Master is not home!
Type fainted with fright. When he returns, he asks the dog:
- Well, if you are a dog, why does not bark?
- I did not want to scare you!

Joke with sailors

On a vessel of the U.S. Navy was a Chinese cook, who was the target of bad jokes made ​​by the crew jokes that, no matter how bad it was not ever angry. One evening, after a few years, the crew decided it was time to end with bad jokes, which is why they called to notify him:
- Since you're on the boat I've done all sorts of gums, and you do not you upset at all. Promise you today that we will not make bad jokes.
- If you promise to not make bad jokes, then I promise to not pee in your soup!

The doctor

The doctor comes out tired of the operating room. Meets with another doctor who asks him what happened. To which he replies:
- We had a very difficult operation. The patient, a policeman, did not have brain activity. I opened the skull and I could not believe my eyes. It was empty. Only one thread. For 4 hours, I thought that to your thread or not. Eventually, I cut it. And what do you think happened?
- What happened?
- I fell ears

Seorang pria istirahat bank ...

Seorang pria istirahat platform bank yang trading forex dan mengambil beberapa sandera. Tanyakan agresif pada catatan pertama:
-Katakan padaku kau sudah melihat merampok bank?
Penyanderaan menjawab:
Untuk tidak duduk pada pikiran, si pencuri menembaknya di kepala. Kemudian tanyakan hal yang sama sandera kedua.
Jawaban kedua sandera:
-Saya tidak Saya telah melihat ... tapi aku melihat ibuku!