A soldier goes to his commander

A soldier goes to his commander and says:
- Allow to report! Among us are fags!
- What you say you rely on it, soldier?
- Well, the fact that my lipstick is gone! ...

Barbie divorced

A father remembers that his daughter's day. Enter a toy store and asks the clerk:
- How much is the Barbie doll in the window?
- We have: Barbie in gymnastics - euro 19.95, Barbie playing volleyball - euro 19.95, Barbie shopping - euro 19.95, Barbie at the beach - euro 19.95, Barbie dance - euro 19.95, Barbie divorced - 265.95 euro
The man, astonished, ask:
- And why divorced Barbie cost 265.95 euro?
- "Barbie divorced" has: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's rod, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer ...

The blonde and handbrake

A blonde walks quietly, when suddenly, without a driver sees a car that went. Aware of danger, jumps in the car and pull the handbrake. When out, nose to nose with the owner gives a very attractive man.
- Began to walk alone, but I jumped into it and I pulled the handbrake! she says, very proud of her feat.
- I know, because I have been to push the car!

The competition

A rooster held a meeting with the hens. Unpack the box and out of her ostrich egg.
- I do not want to make critical, but it does not hurt to be aware of what is in the state competition!

Used a lotion that delay hair loss!

One fell on the 10th floor. After a while he fell and a tuft of hair. Used a lotion that delay hair loss!

Who will die next year?

Being very meticulous, the English have statistics on how many people can predict who will die next year. On the other hand, however, Sicilians can specify some names

Sec bank

If someone throws a stone at you, throw you in it with a flower. But first, make sure the flower is in the pot!

Pencil and ear

- Do you not know where's my pencil? a clerk asks his colleague.
- Yes, by ear.
- Man, do not complicate my life. After the which ear?

Our company is very obsessed with cleanliness

The owner of a company talking to a young man who looking for work:
-First, our company is very obsessed with cleanliness, says the owner. Have you wiped your feet on the mat before coming here?
-Oh, yes! Of course ....
-Second, the employer continues, we ask our partners honestly. There is no entrance carpet ....

Wife, husband and toilet brush

Wife: "Honey, did you notice? I bought new for the toilet brush."
Husband: "I saw, but still prefer toilet paper."

Dream professions

Joe, Mike, Mary and Tom were talking among themselves about their dream professions.
- I would like to be a lawyer so that I can defend my countrymen, 'said Joe.
- I would like to be parliamentary, so that I can legislate for the benefit of my fellow citizens, 'said Mike.
- I want to be a doctor, to treat the poor fellow, says Mary.
-Tom, what do you want to be?, Asks Joe.
- I want to be a countryman, he replied Tom

3 drunkards

3 drunkards knock at a woman’s door. The woman opens the door and gets surprised! One of the drunkards says: “we helped your husband to get home, but we don’t know which one of us is the husband

A blonde in pharmacy

A blonde in pharmacy:
- Do you have something cheap weight loss?
- Yes, the patch!
- And where to put?
- On the mouth!

Blonde and coffee

A blonde secretary on her first day at work, you need to do
coffee from her colleagues. What never made coffee, goes to
restaurant across the street with a thermos in hand:
- Mr. waiter, enter this coffee thermos 6?
- Yes, lady, get more. - Says the waiter.
- Oh what good's it! I've saved! Take 6 coffee then. two of
sugar, two without and two cappuccinos.

Poker with wife

- How, you play poker at home. wife?
- What to do? It's the only way to recover a portion of my salary.!

Wardrobe renewal

- I definitely need to order some new dresses.
- Well, says the husband, but all your cupboards are full of dresses!
- I know, but all my neighbors saw them.!
- If it would be better to change the neighborhood, would be much cheaper.

The secretary

- Miss, asks chief of secretary, who usually do you on Sunday?
- Nothing, said the secretary.
- Then, I would like to remind you that today is not Sunday.

Bar and diamond

A woman calls her husband angry:
- Where are you?
- My dear, do you remember that the jewelry store where you saw that big diamond ring? You told me that you love it and I told myself that someday I'll buy you ...
Woman with a soft voice:
- Offf ... My dear, yes! .... I remember.
- E, ...... I am in the bar next!

Compatibility of characters

In a process of divorce, the judge asks the applicant:
- Madam, you are sure of what you ask? You want to divorce for Compatibility of characters? Could not be otherwise?
She answers:
- No, your honor! It is for compatibility: I like movies, as my husband! I like going to the beach, and his asemeneal! I like going to the theater, he just! I like men, and by the way!

Discussed with employees about difficult times

The director of a company discussed with employees about difficult times:
- I see you all complain about the financial crisis, that worsened living conditions because of the economic situation that you feel rewarded the effort so far ... but I do not know if you know, but this year's salary that you receive is more high as 25%!
A worker in the room:
- Excuse me, bigger than the salary in which year??
- Than in the coming year ...

A perfect woman

My dear, I looked like a perfect woman?
- No, love! You're much more!
- And how much more?
- With about 50 kg ...

The wife asks the husband:

The wife asks the husband:
- Have you seen the type that saved me when I drown?
- It passed on to me to present apologies.

The boss tells employee:

The boss tells employee:
- You do everything so slowly! Think slowly, slowly write, speak softly, move slowly!
 -You do anything fast?
- Yes, get tired quickly!

Woody Allen's humor ...

I have some wonderful children. Thank God that  my wife cheated  me

Until the wedding night, my wife was afraid of the dark. After that he saw me naked and then fear and light ...

My wife is the cook unfinished. We always say prayer after dinner ...

Once someone stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw looked somewhat like thieves. I replied that no, but noted the number plate ...

One day, I called my wife and I said: My dear, I think of you and suddenly hit me insane lust for love. To which she asked: But who's the phone?

I told my dentist that my teeth were yellowed. His advice was to go with a tie and brown ...

Today is one day absolutely negative. I awoke in the morning, I took the shirt and i broke two buttons. We seized briefcase - and they handle broke. Now I am afraid to walk down the toilet ...

I told my psychiatrist that are sad, because I hate myself all over the world. He said do not be ridiculous, because you do not yet met with everyone ...

When I was a kid my parents moved often from one house to another, but I found myself every time ...

My wife and me I lived happily for 20 years. Then we met each other ...


In bed: It's 7 am, close your eyes for 5 minutes and is 8:45.

At work: It's 1:30, close your eyes for 5 minutes and is 1:31.

The general goes to visit a field hospital

The general goes to visit a field hospital:
- What kind of disease you suffer. young man?
- Hemorrhoids, sir!
- You know the treatment?
- Brush with methylene blue, sir!
- Do you have any desire?
- Food is a little ...
- Write sergeant: double portion and filling!
In another bed:
- What kind of disease you suffer. young man?
- Hemorrhoids, sir!
- You know the treatment?
- Brush with methylene blue, sir!
- Do you have any desire?
- I miss home.
- Write sergeant: two weeks holiday in the country!
And so are still some few patients suffering from hemorrhoids. In a corner stood a puny salon, woe to his mother:
- What kind of disease you suffer. young man?
- Tonsillitis, sir!
- You know the treatment?
- Brush with methylene blue, sir!
- Do you have any desire?
- Let us give a brush that we have only one ...

The boy came to ask girls hand ...

- I came to ask your daughter's hand!
- On the sea or the small?
- What, does not have all hands the same?

How worth a woman?

In a brief conversation, a man asks a woman:
- What kind of man you seek?
She remained silent a moment, looked in her eyes and said:
- You want to know really?
He re: Yes!
Then began to say:
- Being a woman is in a position to ask the man what I can do for me. Pay bills, take care of the house, go to the supermarket, shopping and all without a man. I ask the question: - What can you bring into my life?
The man left on. Thought for sure it's money.
She, knowing what he thinks, said:
- I do not mean money. I need more. I need a man to fight for perfection in all aspects of life.
He crossed his arms, sat in on a chair and asked him to explain in more detail.
She said:
- Looking for someone to fight for perfection mentally because I need someone to converse and to stimulate me intellectually speaking. I did not need someone mentally simple. I need someone sensitive enough to understand by what I pass as a woman, but strong enough to encourage me and not let me fall. I'm looking for someone to respect it may be "obedient". I hate it with someone who can solve their own problems. I am looking for a man who can help himself to help each other. When you finish looking at him and see him very confused and asked.
He said:
- You are asking a lot.
She answered:
- Values ​​much. ♥

Difference between men and women

What is the difference between men and women? The man hears with one ear, and on the other ear go out everything, she hears with both ears, and everything comes out your mouth ....

A a thief is interrogated at the police:

A a thief is interrogated at the police:
-Tell what you did, sir!
-Well, I stole a tank of wine ... and ... I drank a half ..
-And the other half what you did?
-Well, I sold it! ..
-And what you did with the money?
-I took to drink!

Crossing a street, a farmer is struck by a car

Crossing a street, a farmer is struck by a car, but nothing happens. However, the driver puts a few coins in his hand to reconcile things.
Very happy peasant tells the driver:
- Pass through our village often?

With Gogu from boilers, please

- Hello?
- Yes!
- International Institute of astrophysics, nuclear spectroscopy, intergalactic exploration, study quasars and toroidal structure determination of cyclic universes?
- Yes we are!
- With Gogu from boilers, please.

A clergyman, very faithful, scared to death ...

A clergyman, very faithful, scared to death ... ...
Passing time reach old age when every minute of every man awaits death ... Stood still and prayed to escape such an event ... when, suddenly hear a knock at door .... He is thinking: "Okay ... came death ..."
The door opened when he saw a small dead ... small ... and a scythe and smaller ... the man exclaimed: "But I asked you not to come ....."
At the death (mica. ..) I said: Shut up and let me alone, ..... I came to take your hamster!

A drunk guy ordering the waiter to serve three coffees.

A drunk guy ordering the waiter to serve three coffees.
- Three coffee?
- Yes, one for me, one for you and one for your mother.
The next day the same drunk guy asks the same waiter:
- Three coffee ...
- Three?
- Yes ... three ... one for me, one for you and one for your mother. The waiter could not refrain, jumped over the table and beating on drunk bundles. A day later, full of bruised, he get to back in bar. The waiter asks ironically:
- Three coffee ...
- No answer swipe, only two: one for me and one for your mother. For you not, as you fret.

A drunk in a bar, command:

A drunk in a bar, command:

- Barman, two glasses of vodka;
After 10 minutes betivu:
- Barman two glasses of vodka;
- Yes, why not order a glass at a time;
- I have a friend who went to Iraq and asked me to drink every time a glass for him;
- Then you understand perfectly, 'says the bartender.
After a month, the drunk get again in the bar
Bartender, a vodka please;
- Oh do not tell me that your friend died.
- Not dead, just as I was left to drink!

Brad and Leo want to quit drinking

Brad and Leo want to quit drinking and do not know how to do. Brad says:
-I know how we give up drink. Be careful, we have a bottle of wine ... you hide it back and I have to guess in which hand is. If you guess, and we drink it, if not ... we leave, not to!
Said and done. Leo hide the bottle.
- Ready. Are you ready? Tell me!
- Well ... it's the left.
-Come on ... look before you leap ...

The contradictions of communism

The contradictions of communism:
Although communism is working inefficiently, however, work is going very well.
Although the work is going very well, however not find anything in stores.
Although not find anything in stores, though man has everything he wants at home.
Although the man is at home all he wants, yet he is unhappy.
Although the man is unhappy, though he applauds.

The husband looks closely...

The husband looks closely at his wife and says:
- Your new dress is too daring. It sees everything through it.
- So what? A virtuous woman has nothing to hide ...

A former cop fishing

A policeman passed in reserve, which was bored, decided to deal with fishing. He bought books, fishing rods, he got the bait and went to the pool. After 4 hours of waiting, he manages to catch a small fish. Furious, the policeman, out Fish hooks, grabbed his mane and begins to draw hands:
- Tell me, where are the others! Tell me where are the others ...

King and servant

King and servant are hunting on the castle. Servant (looking through binoculars towards the castle):
- Sir, I think we should inform you that she is in company of a gentleman.
- No, you're wrong. Lady told me that receives a visiting friend. Give me binocular.
He looked to the castle, then tells her servant
- This is not sufficiently powerful binoculars. Give me the sniper rifle.


Husband comes home and asks his wife:
- What would you do if I win the Lotto?
- I'd take half and leave you, meet his wife.
- Perfect, says her husband. I won $12.00 Take $6.00 and disappear!

In restaurant...

A man sitting in a hotel bar and sees a cool girl at another table. Call the waiter and tells him to invite him to dinner. The waiter returns:
- Miss said he could not come because he has his prosthetic legs and creaking, but you may want to go to her table!
The man go, talk and finally invites her in his hotel room. Female refused because his hearing creaking, and invites him in the bushes. They go in the bushes, and start to f**k.
Two drunks later:
- Look, boys! That's more drunk than we: f**k a wheelbarrow!

Customer to waiter:...

Customer to waiter:
- I do not like surprises, so I say now: I have only $10. What do you recommend?
- Another restaurant.

Man and woman

It's called a lucky man who earns more than his wife can spend. It's called a lucky woman who finds such a man.

The dog which does not bark

A guy knocks at the door of a house. A dog stands on two feet and says:
- Master is not home!
Type fainted with fright. When he returns, he asks the dog:
- Well, if you are a dog, why does not bark?
- I did not want to scare you!

Joke with sailors

On a vessel of the U.S. Navy was a Chinese cook, who was the target of bad jokes made ​​by the crew jokes that, no matter how bad it was not ever angry. One evening, after a few years, the crew decided it was time to end with bad jokes, which is why they called to notify him:
- Since you're on the boat I've done all sorts of gums, and you do not you upset at all. Promise you today that we will not make bad jokes.
- If you promise to not make bad jokes, then I promise to not pee in your soup!

The doctor

The doctor comes out tired of the operating room. Meets with another doctor who asks him what happened. To which he replies:
- We had a very difficult operation. The patient, a policeman, did not have brain activity. I opened the skull and I could not believe my eyes. It was empty. Only one thread. For 4 hours, I thought that to your thread or not. Eventually, I cut it. And what do you think happened?
- What happened?
- I fell ears

Seorang pria istirahat bank ...

Seorang pria istirahat platform bank yang trading forex dan mengambil beberapa sandera. Tanyakan agresif pada catatan pertama:
-Katakan padaku kau sudah melihat merampok bank?
Penyanderaan menjawab:
Untuk tidak duduk pada pikiran, si pencuri menembaknya di kepala. Kemudian tanyakan hal yang sama sandera kedua.
Jawaban kedua sandera:
-Saya tidak Saya telah melihat ... tapi aku melihat ibuku!

Petani dan perjalanan

Pada cara yang buruk, bahwa seorang petani dengan gerobak dimuat, dan ditarik oleh seekor keledai tidak bisa memanjat bukit. Seorang wisatawan membantu mereka untuk lulus mendorong gerobak dengan belakang. Gerobak ujung bukit, cara yang lebih baik.
Orang desa mengucapkan terima kasih wisatawan Nya:
- Terima kasih, Pak, bahwa Anda membantu saya. Dengan satu keledai aku tidak pernah masuk ke bukit.

Peasant and traveler

On a bad way, that a farmer with a cart loaded, and pulled by a donkey could not climb a hill. A traveler help them to pass pushing the cart by rear. The cart the end the hill, a better way.
The villager say thanks his traveler:
- Thank you, sir, that you helped me. With one donkey I never get into the hill.

Two blondes talk

Two blondes talk:
- You know, yesterday I did the pregnancy test!
The other very curious:
- The questions were hard?

Nobody and Poorly

Nobody and Poorly go to great.
Nobody is put in water to swim and suddenly begins to cry for help ...
The poorly, seeing that drown, he take the phone and call the lifeguards ....
- Hello, Nobody it drown
that lifeguard:
- You are poorly ?
- Yes I am

Husband, before leaving on mission

Husband, before leaving on mission, addressing his wife:
- I hope that during my absence, I will not cheat!
- Do not worry dear! Such thoughts I come only when you're near me!

Blond jokes

A blonde says to a friend:
- Yesterday I went to an ophthalmologist.
- And what did he say?
- He told me to learn the alphabet.

The confession

A parishioner he says his preacher
- During today's sermon stole my wallet and watch!
- Hallelujah! Finally he draws the sinner!

Question and answer blond jokes

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.

Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. c0pyr|ghta!haj0k3s

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

Kanibal di tempat kerja

Kanibal di kanibal Beberapa tempat kerja baru-baru ini disewa oleh sebuah perusahaan besar. "Anda semua bagian dari tim kami sekarang," kata perwakilan HR selama briefing menyambut. "Anda mendapatkan semua manfaat yang biasa dan Anda bisa pergi ke kantin untuk makan sesuatu, tapi tolong jangan makan salah satu dari karyawan lain"

Juan Gonzalez

Dua detektif Meksiko sedang menyelidiki pembunuhan Juan Gonzalez. "Bagaimana dia tewas?" Tanya salah satu detektif. "Dengan pistol golf," jawab detektif lainnya. "Sebuah pistol golf?! Apakah pistol golf ""? Saya tidak tahu. Tapi jelas membuat lubang di Juan. "


Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.

After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door of Joe’s department. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the door. More pushing and shoving.

Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and into Joe’s apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and into the bathtub.

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good Samaritan said, “I don’t want to be nosy, but this is most unusual…”

Joe said, “When my wife comes home, she’ll look in the bathroom and say, ‘There’s a horse in there!’ “

“Hey, how many times in a man’s life will they ever get the chance to tell their wife, ‘I know! I know!’?”

Di apotek:

Di apotek:
-Jangan marah, saya entah bagaimana memiliki solusi untuk melarutkan gigi?
-Tidak! Tapi Anda perlu?
-Aku menelan gigi palsu!
-Dan apakah ada masalah?
-Tidak, tidak, tapi ketika aku mengelap pantat saya menggigit tangan!

Banc of pemabuk

Seorang pria mabuk di sebuah bar meminta pelayan untuk melayani tiga kopi.
- Tiga kopi?
- Ya, satu untukku, satu untuk Anda dan satu untuk matte
Hari berikutnya orang mabuk yang sama meminta pelayan yang sama:
- Tiga kopi ...
- Tiga?
- Ya ... tiga ... satu untukku, satu untuk Anda dan satu untuk matte. Pelayan tidak bisa menahan diri, melompati meja dan pemukulan pada bundel mabuk. Sehari kemudian, penuh bar jenis permainan. Pelayan bertanya ironisnya:
- Tiga kopi ...
- Tidak menggesek jawaban, hanya dua: satu untukku dan satu untuk matte. Bagi Anda tidak, seperti yang Anda resah.